How to build relationships with players

What you need to know to build relationships with players

To build relationships as a coach, you must get to know your players. Each person is different. And you’ll need to connect with them differently, too.

Start by observing your players. Watch how they interact with others, as well as with you. Notice their facial expressions and body language. Observe what makes them tick, what they enjoy and what they don’t.

Think about why each player is interested in football. Do they play mainly for fun, is it to socialise, or are they aiming for a career?

Go beyond football and get to know players personally. You can always talk to their parents and carers, too. Ask about work or school. Try to understand what their home life is like.

This information helps you understand why players act like they do when playing football. It lets you support them better. For example, if someone needs to pick up their children at a certain time, you can adjust for that. This will strengthen your relationship.

How to connect with both the person and the player

In football coaching, it’s important that the person comes first, and the player comes second. That’s why it's crucial to understand everyone beyond football.

Chances are, players will need different things from you, depending on their personalities. After a tricky moment on the pitch, one player might appreciate immediate feedback, while another might need a breather first. It's up to you to know the difference.

Here are some ideas to connect with both the person and the player:

• For younger players, link what you’re doing in training to their favourite television shows or characters.
• Talk about role models, like famous footballers or people in their lives. For instance, “Did you see that goal Harry Kane scored?” or, “How’s your brother doing?”
• Note important birthdays, like those of siblings, partners, or children, and ask about the celebration on the day.
• Plan team outings, like meals or go-karting, to bond with players and their parents or carers outside of football. Fun team-building activities create a supportive environment that improves rapport on the field.

How to connect and build relationships at training

To build solid relationships with players, training must be a safe space. Your team should trust you, know it’s okay to make mistakes, and feel comfortable asking questions.

Here are some ways to create that safe environment:

• Show care and empathy with simple gestures like checking in with a player if they’re acting out of character or after they’ve had a tough moment.
• Use an arrival activity to talk with players or let them take charge while you observe. This helps you make the most of training as a chance to connect.
• Encourage two-way communication, welcome challenging questions and don’t penalise players for asking them.
• Always follow through on your promises.
• If a player’s behaviour is challenging, ask yourself why. Is something outside football affecting them? Find out how you can help.
• If you’re struggling to connect with a player, don’t force it. Try communicating through someone they have a great relationship with, like a peer, co-coach, parent or carer.

How to connect and build relationships on a matchday

Matchday brings a lot of pressure. The most important thing is to keep your behaviour as a coach consistent with how you act at other times.

If players can rely on you to model the right behaviours and continue to support them, it builds a strong connection. But if you start showing the pressure, this connection can fall apart.

So, stay conscious of your body language and tone of voice on matchday, as well as what you say. If possible, watch yourself back on video to see how you act in the heat of the moment.

Be aware of your players' feelings too. Reassure anyone who seems worried about the game. Reminding them to have fun and that there’s no pressure can make a big difference.

And in the debrief after the match, be careful with your messages. One small comment in an emotional moment can break trust. If you can’t be sure you’ll stay calm, wait until the next training session to discuss the game.

What to consider when working with different age groups

Building relationships with players looks different depending on their age. Young children may play football for different reasons than adults and have less game experience. You’ll need to use language and questions that match your players’ stage of learning.

It comes back to understanding your players as individuals. Then you can tailor how you interact with them. The same is true for disability football. Don’t be afraid to ask questions to understand what players with disabilities need from you.

And regardless of age, building relationships extends beyond the individual player. Try to connect with those around each player, like caregivers for the younger ones or agents for those entering the professional game. When their support system feels valued, players are more likely to stay engaged with the club.

Things to remember to help you with building relationships

Further learning

If you’re interested in this topic, check out these resources to learn more:

• How getting to know your players can improve motivation
• How to build trust with your players
• How to help football players regulate their emotions and behaviour.

You can also take the key information from this article away with you by downloading this PDF.